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😉 A construction site boss was interviewing people for a job, when along came an Italian.

I’m not hiring any Italians, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test to avoid hiring the Italian without getting into an argument.

‘Here’s your first question, ‘ the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

‘Without numbers?’ the Italian says. ‘Dat is easy’, and proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What’s this?’ the boss asks.

 ‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says the Italian.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

The Italian stare into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Ere you go.’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’

‘Each of da trees is dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire this Italian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Sam rules again, but represent the number 100.’

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, ‘Ere you go, 100.’

The boss looks at the attempt, and says ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred.’

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, ‘A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make 100. So when I start?’

😉 Charlie was a Chinese shop-keeper who used to pass Nick the Greek’s shop every Friday to do his banking.

As he passed by, Nick and his friends call out, ‘What day is it Charlie?’

Charlie would reply ‘It’s FLIDAY.’

This would cause much laughter among Nick and his mates. Poor old Charlie got fed up with this so he took speech lessons to fix the problem.

Then one Friday as he passed Nick’s shop and they called out, ‘What day is it Charlie?’

He replied in the most eloquent and perfect English, ‘Today is most certainly FRIDAY…You GLEEK PLICKS!’ 

😉 California (car lee four near)

The New Californian Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiation, The Terminator’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Austro-English’ (or, if nobody will be offended, “Austrionics”).

In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. (Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.) The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of the ‘k’. (This should klear up confusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.)

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with the ‘f’. (This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.)

In the 3rd year, public akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the language is disgrasful and should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘the’ with ‘’z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords containing ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensible riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech oza. Zed rem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

🙂 According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows on signs of stopping. Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Banks has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

🙂 A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designed as masculine or feminine.

‘House,’ in French, is – ‘la maison’.

‘Pencil,’ in French, is – ‘le crayon’.

One puzzled student asked, ‘What gender is computer?’

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether computer should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer), because:

1.      No one but their creator understands their internal logic,

2.      The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,

3.      Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval, and

4.      As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer), because:

1.      In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on,

2.      They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves,

3.      They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem, and

4.      As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you’d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women WON.

Source:  Koch, D. (2005). Koche’s best jokes. Wilkinson Publishing Ltd. Sydney.

Comments on: "Jokes:Language" (1)

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